all of us.

there are so many people.
they ALL want the same 'thing'.

im just one of them.




and thats what makes me so holymotherfuckingdepressed.
*slits*



can you not see it??

TELL ME.

things that matter.

i was flipping through my photo albums today.for some reason they always make me smile.
so im dedicating this faaltu blogpost of mine to memories.
memories that have made me.
things people have said,done,people i love for no reason at all,messages,emails,calls.
maybe not all.

i KNOW you don't care.
but its my blog.
skip it if you must.


>>joy mamu.
i didnt bother to find out whether what everyone else said about you was true or not.
i know you had your shortcomings but then again who doesn't.
i remember your wedding.and then when you came to bombay for a job interview.
you saved us from that ugly dinner.you got burgers because you knew tia loved them.you knew i loved them.
you should have made better friends.yes.
you should have listened to your instinct.
you should have studied more.should've got your degree.
you shouldn't have hit your wife.
or tia.
you shouldn't have left your job.
i don't blame you for them.
but just maybe.
maybe things could have turned out differently.because i know even when you hit tia,or got drunk,or left your job you did it because you couldn't bear it.

you had a heart.
with a hell lot of courage inside it.
you should have listened to it.

joy mamu died some months back.of a brain haemmorrhage.



>> the day i went mad-

haha...no seriously.
i went mad.that was the lowest point in all of my life.
i punched manish.
for a really stupid reason.
and i screamed my lungs out at ramya.
for an even more stupid reason.
and i screamed at khatri sir.poor thing he got scared.
and i made weird noises while i cried.
and i remember aaki telling me-"you tell me WHY you want a blade??no just TELL ME WHY you want it?"

and in that moment the only thing that struck me was-"i want to shave."
and i laughed.
in that second i experienced anger,frustration and laughter all at the same time.
in that split second i realized the power of my freinds.


>>soumya's house.
my favourite hangout ever.apart from the 'adda'.
i think i have spent more time at her place in the past three years than at my own house.
i like the way the sofa cusions always lie on the floor because she likes sitting down on the cold floor watching t.v.
the way she always drops the bournvita by tripping over it.
and the french fries her mom makes.with ketchup.
i have so many memories attached to that place.
the time she sat on the mango.(:D)
the time her mom locked uncle out of the house for forgetting his wallet.
the time you had that 'bipasha basu maid servant' who would dance erotically in front of us.
the time i and divya would come running to your house to go online.search for harry potter websites.we were in the 7th then.mugglenet was our saviour.
the time i was waiting for deeganto.
the time we were discussing how jo is a total rockstar.
i'll never forget your house you know.



>> the annual day dance.
our super duper gay costumes.
"we look like prostitutes who wear EVERYTHING."
the time vasava's comb fell off his shirt pocket on stage.
and cheering for areen.
and the 'andy naidu' thing.okay.lets not talk about it.
the fact that sushant wears a bra (?)(ramya im sorry...i just couldn't help it)
the time we all went to Andorra's to eat that chicken roll in our overdone makeup.
the time when merrick said -"good evening ladies and gentlemen. oh,actually its morning yaar."
and the way we cheered for ourselves during the dance.
and jyothi kicked the sword.
and the ride back home when she told us about her 'rat dance' at jamnabai.
"dude,i was the rat.and we just had that one step."
the embarassment when arka.yes ARKA laughed at us.
the message areen sent us.aye milano milano,juan pablo alonso,gracio.

dang.we danced and how.




>>manish.
i miss talking to manish.
we still talk.but not like how we used to.
the way we used to talk about how guys and girls are so different.about our pasts.
i have no idea what i said,or did that we stopped talking.
but we did.
and i know nothing in the world can get that back.

but i still miss it.



>> the hair ball theory.
hahahah..
"the study of hair growth,fall and balls of it forms the body of the hair ball theory."
the impact of jivan sirs lecture.
jivan sir,

aakriti: "look at him man.he's talking to himself."
me: "he's communicating with his chest hair."

the hair ball theory is an attempt at understanding why men do not shave.
we calculated the average utility,marginal utility and total utility gained from shaving.
we made graphs.hair ball vs time period.
we made time lines.
the hair follicle that grew,and grew, and greeeewwwwwwww.



>>> "mera beta ayenga"

"main kaam karengi"

jyothi was talking about this old film with an old lady who never combs her hair and sits in some temple and cries that some day her son karmasakshi will return to her loving arms and she'll breastfeed him again.

jo: "bloody she never combs her hair only and she expects her muscular son to come back to her.exactly,she just keeps crying saying-mera beta ayenga"
aaki:"mera beta ayenga?"
jo: "bloody hell i said that by mistake okay."

oh yeah the film was called karan arjun.



>> ankit chaturverdi.DONT ASK.


ankit: "im getting feelings of vommitting sensations.and also loosemotions."




>> the day we laughed for a full 45 minutes.
the reason-integration.

vrushank-"chiku you crazy girl stop laughing."
sam-"bu...but... why is she laughing"
jo-"just nod." *startslaughing*
aaki-"okaaaaaaay"

ragini miss-"here,gaarls,why are you laughing? stop discussing the things." ('the things')
me-"becau....because....integration.......is......funny..look at it man.."

integration is funny okay.
look at it from an illiterate man's point of view.
it looks like art.
*starts laughing*




>>> the day shakti sir found the love letter i had written to sooraj.

yeah.he found it.
uddipanna GAVE it to him.
damn.
i was in the third standard at that time.

shakti sir-"tell me WHY you wrote this letter and i promise not to tell your parents about all this."

me-"because i love him sir."

*getsslapped*



>>> the day i called soumya a pig.
hahahahha....
me-"where the hell are you,you pig?"
soumya-"adrita can you stop shouting?and it was your fault.you were late."

it was my fault.
that day we had this test at our tuitions.
and she looked at my diagram.
and we both laughed.
and we both just forgot about the whole thing.



>>> the day i told divya,metro and petu that i'd tried cutting myself before.raksha was there too.but i didn't want her to know.i never liked her much.
i wont go into details.
i just remember hiding behind that cusion and divya telling soumya not to scream at me.
"shh.dont scream at her re.dont."
petu,confused as ever she just saying one thing,-"but why?"



>>>
i miss the 'we want AC' signature campaigne.
our class was the only class in the whole of podar without an AC.
so when our class teacher asked us to design this class symbol we drew this skull with an AC next to it.

"10-a.
WE ARE HOT.
(literally)"

and we stuck it on the cutains.
we wrote a letter to the principal.
all of us signed up for it.

at the end we did get the AC.
a little too late though.
the last 15 minutes of my school life.
i remember vivek,vikram,nissim,pritesh all standing on the benches and saluting to the AC.
thats podar.




>>> deeganto(?)
haha..finally we met.
and we talked.
and we walked.
so much that i got cramps the next day but thats not the point.
we spoke about george clooney's rubber nipples (bwahahha)and flying cockroaches.
it was nice.(not the nipples i mean)
^____^

and im so stupid i forgot to say bye only.hehe.




>>> the silvassa trip.
where we had to bear janvi mankani's terrible singing.
and aakriti's gray babies.
and ramya's future farmhouse.
and jyothi's BAI organisation.
and my graphic novel on 'the slow one'.

the time sayan found a toad in the commode.
the time aaki saw the chakka in jodha akbar and said-"okaaaaaaay.what is THAT?"
and vasava's orange 'dude' shades.
and sushants metrosexual tee with metrosexual bra.
and boy,how we danced.

omkar,stupid fellow he went about asking people to touch his 'wet banyan'.
and vrushank danced with the glass on his head.
and jyothi was break-dancing.
and chibber and his bootilicious belly dancing.

we killed it.






^^thats the third standard class pic.shakti sir.me.soumya.and sooraj.and uddipanna.



thats it for now.
i have tuitions to attend.
darnit.
*feelshappy*

she smiles.(part 2 )

december 2009
los angeles.


she wakes up with a start.

everything seems smudgy.she squints to look at her digital clock.1:30p.m it says.
she had been sleeping for seven hours now.
she was drained.
her palm pilot beeps again.
the bright light makes her cringe.

its jerry.
he was still in honk kong.his flight has been delayed by five hours.

she looks at the picture again.
something about the picure makes her cry.


*******************************************************************************


they had been best friends.jay and her.
all through middle school.
it was only in the last two years of high school that they had started dating.
by that time,they both knew each other so well that it scared them.
scared that one day the other will change and life would just fall apart.

scared that one day it will end.
but they never spoke about it.
they never let it show.

with every passing day that day came closer and closer.
the day high school ended.
the day both of them would tread different roads to their dreams.
their dreams were different.
their roads were different.

it was the beginning of the end.
would they make it?

********************************************************************************

present day los angeles.



she rushes to her bedroom.quickly ties her hair into a messy ponytail.
she doesn't have time.
she flips open her laptop and props it on her lap.

he has got to be there.

she logs in.
welcome to facebook.
11 new notifications.
1 bear hug from annabelle
1 from jerry.
she doen't have time.

her hand quivers with the thought.
search:'jay saxena' she types.
displaying 9 results for:jay saxena


there he is.
slightly balding.
his face grinning.

and then those eyes.

"same old jay".

*******************************************************************************

july 1997

college began in july.
jay went away to australia for pilot training.she always knew he wanted to be a pilot.
and now he was going.

"you'll be fine.and so will i."he beamed.

those were his last words for her.
his last words before he swerved around and walked towards the checking counter.
towards his new life.

his new life of which she wasn't a part of.
he wrote back only twice.




*******************************************************************************

present day LA.



its an open profile.
she clicks.
photos of jay saxena(13).
she laughs.
he never liked taking photographs of himself even then.he could never stand still.always making those faces.

so much so that even when the farewell group photograph was being taken jay was making a squirmy face,making elf ears for the girl standing next to him.
and yet in every photograph of his you just couldn't miss the laughter in his eyes.
it was always there.
he was a jock.
everyone loved him.
loved him for the laughter that he radiated through his smile.

they always looked at his smile.
but she looked at his eyes.
for her,
it was there.

******************************************************************************

june 1999


she reads the message again and again.
he was coming.
he said he wanted to meet.
he wanted to talk.

it was his first message in almost two years.
not much had changed in the past two years.
she was studying design in bombay.
she still thought about him every single day.
yearning for a simple letter,an email or even a signal.
nothing at all.
and now he was coming.


they had decided to meet at the bench.
near the tennis court.
it had been their hiding spot for as long as she could remember.
it was theirs.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
she waited.
but he didn't turn up.

she knew he wouldn't turn up.
she knew him too well.
it was his way of saying it was the end.


she had waited far too long for him to turn up.
for a moment his eyes flashed in front of her.
she smiled despite herself.


*******************************************************************************


present day LA.



her palm pilot beeps again.


1 message received.
its jerry.
he's on his way.
she doesn't have time.

she looks through his photographs.
his american wife lucy.
a memory haunts her.
she diverts her attention to him.

'add as a friend'
she clicks.


even though she knows he would NEVER accept it.


she wanted him back in her life.
she wanted to restore that sanity.
she wanted jay to know.again.
she wanted him to be guilty of the fact that she still thought about him and he did nothing.
nothing.

but more than anything,she wanted to apologize.
she hated herself for it.
she wanted to say she was sorry even though it wasn't even her fault.
he mattered to her more than her ego.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
but how could she.
it was too late.
he would never accept the friend request.



september 2007.

it was the most terrifying moment of her life.
she hadn't touched her cold coffee.
she fiddled with the foam on top.

what did she want now?
and why?




she was sitting across lucy.
lucy was beyond pretty.
her eyes glittered when she looked.
but she looked tired and drained.like the life had been sucked out of her.



finally after a moment of awkard silence lucy spoke.
five words that would haunt her forever.




"jay died three weeks back"

it took her a moment to recollect every word and make sense out of it.
she couldn't cry.
not now.
she looked up at her.and then they cried.


in that moment,they bonded,
in memory of a man they once loved.





she smiles,despite herself.

she smiles.

she looks down at her palm pilot.

a picture pops out.the picture of a young boy.
the glint in his hazel eyes makes her smile despite herself.

it was always those eyes.
they always captivated her.hypnotised her and made her smile.

she had just returned from bombay.bombay the city of her childhood.the flight had been hectic.
she was tired.exhausted.bruised.



just the day before she had been flipping through all her old clothes collecting dust at her house in bombay.she loved doing this.she knew every item of clothing had a memory attatched to it.
but she wasn't ready for this.
she found a photo hidden deep behind her jackets.
she blew the dust off it.

she smiled despite herself.



the toaster startles her.
she looks around at her apartment in LA.jerry's not here.
thank god.
she needed to be alone.
she needed to evaluate.
she looks down at her palm pilot again.

*************************************************************************************


she had shampooed her hair the day before.
she played with her hair twirling it with her fingers.
'just be yourself and you'll be fine im sure'.she kept telling herself again and again.
her mind wandered.fluttered.
she thought of his eyes and smiled again.
she knew she was blushing even though she couldn't see herself.



she walked faster.she wanted to reach before he did.
jumping with happiness.

today was her day.
nothing could this day away from her.

she found the bench and sat down.
she was first,she thought to herself.
never before had she felt so light,so in touch with her heart.
it was poundidng like mad.
it wasn't a very good thing,she thought.
she might start stammering if it continued.
the thought scared her.

she waited.


she wasn't wearing a watch.she hated watches.
she glanced at her mobile and her heart sunk by a notch.

where was he?
oh probably just stuck in traffic.bombay you know,traffic is always a possiblity.

she waited longer.
she closed her eyes tight.she wanted to call him.
but she hated speaking on the phone.
it gagged her.
she called anyway.

he didn't pick up.

something was wrong.he hadn't answered her call.
her stomach churned with thoughts.

she waited.

she tried to reason.
she tried to picture his eyes.she wanted to smile.
but it just wouldn't happen.

it had been more than two hours now.
she knew.
her mobile rang and for a moment she was relieved.
so, he is alive.
she picked up the phone,muttered slowly,"hello?"

a husky voice answered,"i can't come today.im so..".she cut the phone.

she sat there for a minute before the first teardrop appeared.
she clenched her fist hard.
the way she did when she cried to keep herself from screaming.

she sat there,on that bench for four more hours.
seven missed calls.
five messages.

she switched off her phone and got up.
she walked back home.silent.dreaming.

for a moment his eyes flashed before her.
his hazel eyes.
she smiled,despite herself.



*************************************************************************************

she glanced at her palm pilot again.

it was him.
so many years back he broke her faith.
she looks at the picture of him grinning.
she had scanned the old,dusty photo and saved it in her palm pilot.

then she remembered,
she was making the same mistake again.
she clenched her fist.
wiped off the tear with her sleeve.

she pressed delete.


are you sure you want to delete this picture?, it beeped.

she thought.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
she pressed, NO.

she couldn't let go.
she looked at his eyes once more.

she smiled, despite herself.